For as long as I can remember I have compared myself to others as a basis for how good I was. How much better I was than someone else or how much I needed to change to be as good. I remember feeling so friggin special bragging to my friends in primary school that I had had pizza for dinner, and then getting suspicious and nasty when my friend claimed that she had had pizza for dinner as well. I tried to prove that she was a liar and had made it up, because if she was just as special as me then I wasn’t special at all. And if I wasn’t special then why would the other kids want to be friends with me. Time to shake off comparison-itis…
I still don’t know where this insecurity came from and throughout my life it has manifested in different ways. As a teenager I had anxiety and would refuse to go to school allot. Seriously Allot. I guess I felt like it was a way of escaping and also a way of getting attention on my own terms.
It became a habit.
And as a ‘grown up’ I held on to the need to compare myself to others and rate them as being better or worse than me. A shit fight between my self-esteem and my ego if you will.
You see our egos love to talk shit about us and about others, it can be a real jerk…
Even as I write this my ego is telling me that I sound cray cray like Kanye with voices in my head.
Earlier this year I went and saw Gabby Bernstien talk in Sydney. It was phenomenal. What I felt in that room was love, compassion and inspiration as soon as the day began and what can only be described as a ‘heart cracked open’ experience. For those who don’t know who Gabby is – get on it! She’s all about helping you make miracles baby.
I am a big advocate for self-love. It’s something I have been practicing for a little while now and as I learnt to treat myself better I realized that my ego was holding onto the fears around not being enough that fit me oh so well. In that love soaked room with Gabby it became very clear to me that my own self doubt was the thing pulling me down and it had to go. But it’s not as though you can just turn it off.
There is no off switch for the ego. But there is a workaround.
Become a non judgemental witness. See if you can watch what is going on, perhaps a co-worker stepped on your toes and you are feeling insecure, or maybe someone cut you off in traffic and you are feeling angry and entitled or maybe even you are worried about a big event coming up and that you will look silly in front of everyone. Maybe have a little chuckle at the silliness of the situation you might have created in your mind and then, choose again.
You are responsible for how you feel in this moment. So choose again, and this time choose from a loving perspective.
I am not my lack mentality. Kindness created me kind. Peace begins with me.
Three of my favourite affirmations taken from Gabby’s book “May Cause Miracles” based on the teachings from A Course in Miracles.
Maybe one of these resonates with you?
I want you to know that you are so much more than what that voice in your head tells you.